It’s a New Year
As I slowly recover from a long, exhausting day and night spent closing out the year 2024, I feel a strong desire to reflect a little on the past year and also to set some meaningful intentions for the one ahead. 2024 has proven to be a considerable challenge indeed. In fact, the word “challenge” doesn’t even begin to convey the depth of hardship and struggle that so many of my days felt like for me. The year commenced with my re-entry into a toxic relationship with a man I’ve sworn repeatedly that I would never entertain again. Despite the numerous sacrifices I made to rekindle what we once had, deep down inside, I knew that this decision would be life-changing and that it was unlikely to end well for me. Yet, I also understood that sometimes the only true way out of a situation is through it. It turned out to be a horrible decision, but simultaneously, I recognized it was necessary for my growth. I suppose that was the very first lesson I learned in 2024.
Beginning again didn’t go exactly as I imagined or hoped for; in fact, while there were plenty of tough surprises along the way, none of which truly caught me off guard, I found that these challenges tested my resilience and determination in ways I had not anticipated.
Making a decision to forgive someone you love for hurting you so many times, in ways that should be unforgivable, is a heavy burden to carry. It is a conscious choice, enveloped in layers of complexity. Each time I approached the notion of forgiveness, I was met with a wave of emotions—anger, sadness, and confusion jostled for space in my heart. The rawness of these feelings often left me questioning my own sanity.
However, the act of forgiving does not mean forgetting. It does not erase the scars left behind but instead confronts them, acknowledging their existence. As I peeled back the layers of hurt, I felt an unveiling of truths that was almost unbearable. Each truth revealed felt like an additional weight added to an already heavy heart. It is borderline torture, an emotional excavation that leaves one both vulnerable and desolate.
This journey is filled with grief—a profound sense of loss not just of what once was but of the idealized vision of love I had clung to. Grieving the relationship, the person I loved, and the future I had envisioned creates a spiral of despair that was hard to navigate. I found myself in moments of deep reflection, grappling with the notion of what could have been versus what is.
Heartbreak is a familiar companion during this process. It seeps into daily life, turning mundane activities into reminders of what was lost. Simple songs, familiar places, or shared memories evoke profound sadness, moments spent questioning why things turned out this way.
Agony punctuates the timeline of healing, a constant reminder of pain intermingled with clarity and understanding. Yet, through the heartache, I began to discover glimmers of resilience. The process propels a transformation, from the cocoon of despair to the possibility of emerging anew, stronger and more aware. Each step taken in this journey toward healing is a testament not just to survival but to the realization that beginning again, despite its challenges, can also lead to unexpected growth.
Everything felt wrong and right all at once, creating a complex mix of emotions and thoughts swirling together. Yet, despite the chaos of it all, the outcome turned out to be exactly what I needed in that moment in my life. For that reason alone, I find myself feeling truly grateful.
While the year began with a ready and willing braveheart, full of hope and positivity, by March, my son and I were unexpectedly facing the harsh reality of homelessness. I couldn’t afford the home my once again ex and I gave up everything for- but we couldn’t stay. I can recall days where I struggled not to worry about where we would end up and it was in those moments of fear where I chose not to succumb to such a tragic fate- but instead, create a life that would be an adventure.
In exchange for my security deposit, I received the popup camper that once belonged to my ex. After a careful assessment, I parked the camper at the top of my family's picturesque mountain property, a place that would soon be filled with memories. By June, my son and I had made plans to fully move in and immerse ourselves in the refreshing mountain air and the tranquil surroundings that nature offered. On the surface, I was genuinely overjoyed and filled with optimism about this new chapter in our lives; however, deeper down, I was still grappling with fear and uncertainty. The day before we were scheduled to move all of our belongings, I made a heartfelt decision to spend what little money I had left on fixing my son’s broken heart. In November of 2023, we faced the heart-wrenching loss of our beloved dog, Griffin. A year and a half prior to that, we suffered the loss of our other cherished dog, Maize. Both Coledyn and I were profoundly shattered by these experiences, and life simply wasn’t the same without the companionship of a dog. Some would say it was incredibly irresponsible to adopt a puppy when we were technically homeless and trying to find our footing. To add to our challenges, my car motor also died, leaving me without a reliable vehicle. Despite all of this, I still chose to adopt a dog, believing it was the right thing for us at that moment. I will always firmly maintain my belief that it was indeed the right decision.
Long story short, the popup camper served us well for a relatively short time. During our stay, we took the opportunity to plant lush herb gardens and diligently maintained the property, and we most certainly appreciated the stunning views that surrounded us. To our surprise, we weren’t there for even one full day before we met our unexpected neighbors… two bears, a mama and her curious cub. I was pleasantly surprised and equally startled. It seemed that I would soon have the opportunity to meet our other neighbors as well, although I had been warned that those particular neighbors were not so pleasant at all.
A summer that was originally meant to be a time filled with vibrant magic and pure joy, a season of laughter and warmth, very quickly became overshadowed by a pervasive darkness that I can only describe as something akin to relentless spiritual warfare. Throughout my life, I have encountered cruel people, but the numerous violations that my family and I have had to endure from these particular individuals is more than simply a crime in my opinion; it is something that can only be characterized as purely evil. Stalking, reckless driving with clear intentions of causing harm, physical assaults that leave lasting scars, perjury consisting of blatant lies and egregious statements filled with false accusations, character defamation alongside calculated attempts of breaking each and every one of us, with no one left to rely on when we ultimately reached the point of utter despair. The police in that area seem to be equally criminal and corrupt, mirroring the very behaviors of those they should be arresting and charging for their wrongdoings. The trauma we endured, along with the trauma that our children and our mother faced, due to a significant lack of justice in the state of Vermont, is profoundly gut-wrenching to say the least. It is a heavy burden that weighs on our hearts, and it is truly a matter we can only surrender into the compassionate hands of God.
I’ve asked myself time and time again what is the true purpose of an entire summer wasted in a haze of fear and worry, accompanied by the constant, nagging urge of fight or flight… and while I still don’t have a satisfactory answer that brings me peace, the one thing I can trust and believe in is that God is doing the work behind the scenes. To my knowledge, no charges have been made, and our voices are still left unheard in this overwhelming silence—however, the state's attorney is diligently handling it, and things have quieted a bit since those tumultuous days. Coledyn and I have moved away for the time being, but the intention of returning to that place we once called home is very much present. That area has been said to be cursed for years that stretch far beyond the life I was born into. When I first heard this unsettling statement, I might have raised an eyebrow in disbelief. But seeing truly is believing, and while I’ve experienced the deep darkness that resides in that valley, I have also been fortunate enough to witness love and light shining so vibrantly, it was nothing short of heavenly.
The togetherness of my family, being actively involved in the process of growing beautiful gardens and learning to raise various types of livestock, and not just being near nature again, but rather being fully immersed in its wonders was truly a remarkable gift that I am not willing to disregard or forget about forever.
Through our journey of moving back to the place that has truly always been considered “home” for us, Coledyn and I were warmly welcomed by friends I barely even knew before, who have now become some of the most significant and remarkable human beings in my life. The heartfelt and warm welcomes we received from those distant friends, who have chosen to embrace and support us, serve as a beautiful reminder that family can often be found beyond mere blood relations and shared genetics. These are the incredible individuals you KNOW have your back through thick and thin, the ones you KNOW consistently think of you, even when you’re far away and absent. You can clearly see it in the mournful yet joyous look that shines in their eyes when you finally return to their loving embrace. I am incredibly grateful and immensely humbled by the amazing humans I’ve come to know and cherish in this journey.
Community is absolutely necessary in our lives. Self-sufficiency is a profound freedom. Bravery is undeniably required in the face of challenges. Patience is indeed a true virtue. Love conquers all, and in God, I will always place my unwavering trust.
I close out 2024 with a powerful and profound realization of what a badass I truly am. Throughout my life, I have NEVER given up on myself or my dreams. The last year alone proved to be incredibly challenging, and while I refuse to delve deeply into the struggles of the years before, I recognize that those experiences were all necessary in reminding me of the resilient person I am today. They served as vital lessons that underscored the immense love I carry endlessly and unconditionally for every living soul I encounter, and they illuminated the strength I’ve gained in learning to surrender during times of deep angst for the sake of my own peace and well-being. I acknowledge that I am far from perfect—after all, I have my flaws, and I will undoubtedly make plenty more mistakes in my life journey. However, I can safely and confidently state that I strive to live my life with the best intentions of spreading light and positivity wherever I go, regardless of my own darkness and the pain I may carry within. Even as I recall every voice that has ever doubted me, every voice that has tried to convince me that I somehow lack the worth required for basic human needs and fundamental human rights… I remain fundamentally ME to the core, and I take great pride in who I’ve become. I eagerly look forward to meeting myself again each and every single day. I welcome 2025 with open arms and a full heart. This year is about embracing all of those things I mentioned above: love, light, and hard work. It’s about the importance of friendship, family, and community. It’s about nourishment, both for body and soul. This year is fundamentally about truly LIVING, and I couldn’t be more thrilled about the possibilities that lie ahead!
AG
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